A Light in the Darkness

When I was a little girl, I'd be so scared when I woke up in the middle of the night. I'd pull the bedsheet over my head to hide from the shadows on my wall. I felt really stupid at the time, but those creepy shadows still make me uneasy, even as a grown woman. One night last week, I even slept with my pistol under the pillow beside me after hearing a noise outside. I wanted to turn on a lamp, but decided that the darkness might actually work in my favor if someone were to actually break in my house.

The darkness can be good for you. The darkness can work in your favor.

After my divorce, I began reading a book by Stormie Omartian titled Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On. After only a couple chapters into the book, I was fortunate to actually meet Stormie at a women's conference and hear her words in person, and much of her speech came from the book I was reading. Coincidence?? I think not. The Lord knew what I needed to hear in my moment of darkness, and I want to share those same words with you during yours.

In chapter ten, Stormie writes about the wilderness of life, and I want to share with you a few things she said that really stuck with me.

"God has a purpose for the wilderness, but it's hard to see it when we're in it... The most frightening thing about it is the thought that this may be our final destination." (page 91) I know what that feels like!! Right after my divorce, I felt really alone and didn't like what my life was turning into. Granted, no part of me wanted to go backwards, but I didn't like where I was and feared I would be stuck in that lonely life. Add to that loneliness a physical illness, sense of homelessness, and family hardships, and I was completely broken. A person can only handle so much.

I was in my wilderness, but the wilderness is only part of the journey. That was NOT my destination. That was NOT the life God had planned for me, but it WAS part of His plan to prepare me for where He wanted me to be.

Stormie writes, "Although the wilderness may seem like nowhere at the time, it is somewhere if that's where God wants you. For it's there He will prepare you for the good thing He is about to do in your life. It's there you will be thoroughly convinced that you won't get anywhere or accomplish anything lasting without Him." (page 92)

God used my wilderness to show me what is really important. He used my heartbreak to show me what real love should feel like. He used my darkness to show me His light, and I am so thankful. There is something He wants to show you, too.

"The wilderness is where God takes us when He wants to get Egypt out of our hearts. He wants to separate us from all that we crave, so that all we crave is Him." I needed that wilderness to let go of all the pain, the bruised ego, the low self-esteem, the feelings of unworthiness that my unhappy marriage had caused. What do you need to let go of right now? As much as I wanted to pick up and run full steam ahead with my life, God knew I needed time to process the changes in my life, and He needed time to deal with the issues in my heart.

It's important you realize that while He is working in your wilderness, He is also preparing your paradise. He will help you let go of your past, embrace your present, and brighten your future. But you have to let Him help you. Sure, you can get by on your own, but do you really want to simply get by or do you want the best out of life?

This wilderness is NOT your destination. Walking through it won't be easy, and you won't move on from it overnight. Early in my wilderness, I was so focused on my hurtful past and my uncertain future that I was overlooking my present. Stormie writes, "Don't lament over what you're missing or think you're lacking. Give yourself five minutes of grief over them, then let them go so you can enjoy the journey. Be happy where God has you. No one ever gets out of the wilderness as quickly as they would like to anyway, so refuse to feel deprived." (page 96)

It's okay to feel overwhelmed for a moment. Even Jesus wept. He understands struggle. He understands pain. More than you will ever know, He understands carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.

You will overcome this... but you don't have to overcome it alone.

Let Him be the light in your darkness.

Christmas Confessions

The streets seem dull since the lights have been taken down, my mom's house appears twice the size it was a month ago but with half the life, everyone around me seems to be suffering from holiday whiplash... and I feel like my celebration never started.

That makes me sound so ungrateful, I know, and I'm sorry to come across that way. I truly am thankful for all Christmas means: the gift of Christ and hope for salvation, spending time with my family, working with the children to perform at church.

However, those things are all special to me year round - not only in December - so I can still be thankful without feeling celebratory.

I didn't have a tree this year. Living between two houses - one a construction zone and the other a tiny mess - it simply wasn't possible. I decorated trees for my grandmother and my mama, but I came home every night to no twinkling lights, no sparkling tinsel, no glittering balls, no dancing Santa, no hanging stockings. I came home to boxes and construction, my life in chaos, which is a pretty good representation of how I spent my whole year.

I've learned that expressing joy in the midst of upheaval is challenging. Even knowing there's an awesome light waiting at the end of the tunnel (one that's far more twinkly and bright than any cheap strand on a tree), sometimes the tunnel is so dark that I fear smiling might cause me to lose concentration and stumble. Stumbling might keep me from reaching the end of the tunnel. Then I may be stuck in the tunnel forever!

Okay, so maybe I'm a little dramatic. I have earned the right to be dramatic considering all I've dealt with lately.

I feel like I missed Christmas, which really upsets me. I'm usually one of those people who starts listening to Christmas music November 1st!!! But this year, I didn't listen at all. I didn't bake cookies. In fact, my Santa apron is still tucked away in a storage unit, and I didn't cook ANYTHING for any of my family gatherings.

The type of excitement Christmas ignites doesn't come around often, and I want to feel that excitement again. I want to stop being too tired to enjoy living! I want to get through this tunnel of moving boxes that is my life and explore the light.

Psalm 51: 10-12

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."