Christmas Confessions

The streets seem dull since the lights have been taken down, my mom's house appears twice the size it was a month ago but with half the life, everyone around me seems to be suffering from holiday whiplash... and I feel like my celebration never started.

That makes me sound so ungrateful, I know, and I'm sorry to come across that way. I truly am thankful for all Christmas means: the gift of Christ and hope for salvation, spending time with my family, working with the children to perform at church.

However, those things are all special to me year round - not only in December - so I can still be thankful without feeling celebratory.

I didn't have a tree this year. Living between two houses - one a construction zone and the other a tiny mess - it simply wasn't possible. I decorated trees for my grandmother and my mama, but I came home every night to no twinkling lights, no sparkling tinsel, no glittering balls, no dancing Santa, no hanging stockings. I came home to boxes and construction, my life in chaos, which is a pretty good representation of how I spent my whole year.

I've learned that expressing joy in the midst of upheaval is challenging. Even knowing there's an awesome light waiting at the end of the tunnel (one that's far more twinkly and bright than any cheap strand on a tree), sometimes the tunnel is so dark that I fear smiling might cause me to lose concentration and stumble. Stumbling might keep me from reaching the end of the tunnel. Then I may be stuck in the tunnel forever!

Okay, so maybe I'm a little dramatic. I have earned the right to be dramatic considering all I've dealt with lately.

I feel like I missed Christmas, which really upsets me. I'm usually one of those people who starts listening to Christmas music November 1st!!! But this year, I didn't listen at all. I didn't bake cookies. In fact, my Santa apron is still tucked away in a storage unit, and I didn't cook ANYTHING for any of my family gatherings.

The type of excitement Christmas ignites doesn't come around often, and I want to feel that excitement again. I want to stop being too tired to enjoy living! I want to get through this tunnel of moving boxes that is my life and explore the light.

Psalm 51: 10-12

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."