If It Fits...

I slammed the car door behind me and rushed across the parking lot, high heels "click, click, clicking" in a near run to the door. I swiped my badge and hurried to my desk hoping no one would notice my labored breathing. Late for work again. Second time this week. The problem isn't that I wake up late or waste time in the morning. It's my clothes!!! Nothing fits anymore! Don't let me mislead you - I am happy to have lost weight, although the way I lost it was miserable!! And shopping is going to be a blast... especially to my checkbook! But to try on skirt after skirt after pants after dress and nothing fit? It's very frustrating. And it makes me a little nervous. Being recently divorced, I'm getting back into the dating world and I'm starting to be a little scared about "shopping" the dating market. :) People aren't like clothes you can mend to your liking or donate to Salvation Army -- if only it were that simple!! But shopping should really be fun! Maybe I will find the perfect dress that fits just right...

Dancing for Joy

Today, I am HAPPY!

I have been through a lot lately,

but like Psalm 30 verse 5 says,

"Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."

Praise God for new beginnings!!!!

He has "turned my wailing into dancing"!

Psalm 30

I will exalt you, Lord,
    for you lifted me out of the depths
    and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
² Lord my God, I called to you for help,
    and you healed me.
³ You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
    you spared me from going down to the pit.

⁴ Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people;
    praise his holy name.
⁵ For his anger lasts only a moment,
    but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
    but rejoicing comes in the morning.

⁶ When I felt secure, I said,
    “I will never be shaken.”
⁷ Lord, when you favored me,
    you made my royal mountain^[c] stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
    I was dismayed.

⁸ To you, Lord, I called;
    to the Lord I cried for mercy:
⁹ “What is gained if I am silenced,
    if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
    Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
¹⁰ Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me;
    Lord, be my help.”

¹¹ You turned my wailing into dancing;

    you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

¹² that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.

    Lord my God, I will praise you forever.

Looking back and moving forward

Two years ago, I wrote a new poem and posted it on my blog. I cry now as I read it and realize that my prayer in the last stanza has come to fruition. I told the Lord to break me if that's what it would take to show me how to serve Him, and I have definitely been broken. I told Him to blur my vision of my future if He had something different planned for me, and He has definitely done so recently.

I'm sharing this poem with you again because it is my prayer today. I see God working in so many aspects of my life right now, and I need to remind myself daily to respond to these changes with a willing heart rather than with sadness, confusion, anger, or despair. He has a perfect plan.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Lord, Make Me Uncomfortable
Lord, make me uncomfortable with my daily routine
So I'll follow your steps wherever they lead.
Make me uncomfortable as I'm cooking dinner
So I'll remember the sheep you want me to feed.


Make my recliner less comfortable for sitting
So I'll spend more time moving and less as a slouch.
Doing your will and reaching the lost
Can hardly be done with a remote from the couch.


Make me uncomfortable when I'm in the presence
Of ungodly things of which you disapprove.
Make me uncomfortable keeping my mouth shut
When Your Spirit through me is trying to move.


Make my plans hazy and my dreams disappear
If you have different goals planned for me.
Break my heart, my body, and soul,
If that's how I will better serve Thee.

The Big Stick

Lying in the hospital bed last week, I turned my face away from the nurse and squished my eyelids together as tightly as I possibly could. I braced for that "big stick" she'd warned about a few seconds before.

Then, in a second, the pain from the stick was over. A deep ache remained in my arm with the IV, but it wasn't a pain like that initial stick. Just an ache, which eventually faded to a soreness, which I became accustomed to almost to the point I forgot it was there... almost.

Now several days after that IV was removed, bruises line both my arms and hands reminding me of the many "big sticks" I endured those several days in the hospital. My normal routine is interrupted regularly as those bruises send a twinge of pain through my arm stopping whatever I was trying to do, but I know that pain will cease with time just as the bruises will disappear, leaving only a tiny dot of a scar on each hand where the IVs were.

But these bruises remind me of so much more than my physical pain that is fading away. They are a blessed promise that these "big sticks" I've been enduring for the last several weeks of my life -- these huge life-changing events that I've tried to turn my face away from and squish my eyelids together dreading the hurt -- the pain they are causing me today will, too, fade with time.

I signed my divorce papers today. Although I'm completely ready to move on with this next stage of my life, I have been dreading those papers like a terrible needle. I knew in the hospital that I needed the IV, that it was a necessity for my health to improve; in the same way, I know that I need these papers to be signed for my situation in life to improve.

As my pen scribbled across the paper once, twice, three times, it was over. Much like that "big stick" is over in a second, so was the dreaded signing of those papers. Now all that is left is an ache, a feeling of failure... but along with that feeling of failure is a clear determination not to make the same mistakes again. To do it better the next time. To love harder. To give everything I have and not let failure be an option.

I know that my heart will be bruised for a little while, but the healing ache of moving on is one I embrace! I'd rather be healing than hurting like I have been doing for a long time.

This "big stick" is going to heal. I am going to be better for it. My future is going to be better because of it. One day the pain will be so distant in my memory that I will have to make a real effort to recall it.

I look forward to that day.

But for now, I'm nursing my bruises and giving them time to heal.

Tears of Frustration

Tonight as I crawl into bed and say my prayers, I feel the tears are going to fall, which is why I'm still up so late. I'm not sad. Really. I'm just tired and frustrated, and I desperately need some fun and laughter injected into my life right now.

I have been in the process of moving for four months. For FOUR MONTHS I have been either packing, moving, or unpacking. Now, I am repacking and moving again after being in this house only a month.

Frustrated.
Tired.
Overwhelmed.
Worn.

I passed all of those feelings weeks ago, and at this point I'm just hanging on.

With less than two weeks to pack and move this time, I have no free time to spare. Plus, I'm not able to lift anything over 10 pounds because of my recent surgery!! So I honestly don't know how I'm going to complete this task of moving. It seems impossible when I actually think about the details, but I know that somehow it will get done. Everything somehow always works itself out in the end.

I'm telling that to myself about my life, too. Everything somehow always works itself out in the end. I've been through a lot of big life changes recently, and I know without any doubts that they are for the better. Yet, that doesn't mean they are easy. I'm so ready to move on from this transition stage and start to live my life again!!

Fulfilled... not frustrated.
Invigorated... not tired.
Hopeful... not overwhelmed.
Wanted... not worn.

I want to feel those things. I look forward to feeling alive again rather than just breathing.

As I lay me down to sleep and pray the Lord my soul to keep, I'll close my eyes and remind myself that everything will work out. He always takes care of me when I can't take care of myself. He will never fail even when I do. His love endures when others cease. He is all I really need, and tonight I will rest in that.

There's No Place Like Home

I stood in the kitchen staring into my cabinets trying to decide what to cook for lunch. Cooking for one has its challenges. I don't want to make some big fancy meal and be stuck eating leftovers all week, the same meal over and over again (been there, done that, washed those dishes!), but I refuse to eat single serving mac-n-cheese or Lean Cuisine meals!

If I were at Mama's house, I could be having pork chops, peas, mashed potatoes, mac-n-cheese, crescent rolls, sweet tea... I close my eyes and click my barefooted heels together: "There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home."

Why should I be here cooking for one when I could be eating with my family?? Why should I look for ways to pass the time when I could be helping my grandmother water her tomato plants, sitting under the tree in the swing with my cousins at my aunt's house, or laying out with Mama by the pool?

So, barefooted in the kitchen of this rental house that will never be home, today I made the decision to move back to my hometown, the community where I grew up, the church where I was raised. Family is the most cherished aspect of my life, and to be able to spend precious moments with them is one wonderful blessing to come out of this mess my life seems to have become. God is going to bless this mess... I can feel it coming!!

Thank you, Lord, for blessing me with such a supportive, loving, faith-filled family and for allowing me this opportunity to draw closer to them and to You.

I'm going home!!! :)

Bugs on the Windshield

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Prov. 3:5-6

Splat!!

The poor little bug on my windshield hadn't stood a chance.

Just fluttering along minding its own business, then...

BAM!

Blindsided!

That's how I've felt lately. Blindsided. Squished on someone's windshield.

I keep asking myself, Was I flying in the wrong direction? Was I in the way? Was I not supposed to be on that road? I guess I was wrong on all counts. In the wrong place. The wrong time.

BUT LUCKILY I'M NOT A BUG!! So now I get a chance to fly somewhere else! It's hard starting over, but life goes on. Next time, I'm going to do better at following Prov. 3:5-6. Trust in God, not myself, and He will tell me where to fly.

Here's a sneak peak from my novel...

The stars and stripes hung dauntingly above the squares on the fund-raiser calendar. One more day, one less empty box as she squeaked the crimson sharpie across the half-filled page.

Hesitantly walking toward the kitchen sink with the now-empty glass—syrah drops still visible along the gold band (such a perfect wedding gift), she paused, contemplating the hours that lay ahead. Looking back over her shoulder across the granite countertop to the uncorked bottle, what could it hurt?

Not tonight. She had an early shift in the morning.

As her hand reached to turn the faucet, the street light coming in through the window grazed the silver band on her finger. Such a short time ago, that sight would have been a comforting reassurance. 

Not anymore. 

The glass clanged against the stainless steel sink, shattering the silence. One day at a time, just one day at a time, Janet reminded herself as she turned to walk away, running a shaking hand through her hair, which was long overdue for a trim. Time just doesn’t seem to matter as much anymore, she thought, turning off the overhead kitchen lights then walking over to the couch. She curled up, wrapping herself tightly in the navy fleece blanket and hugging the pillow she’d brought in from the bedroom earlier, and stared at the popcorn ceiling while hoping desperately for a peaceful night’s sleep.

When Everything Falls Apart

The story of Job is one of the greatest testimonies in the Bible not because of how Job turned to God during times of blessings, but because of how Job stayed faithful even when he lost everything. His oxen, donkeys, sheep, camels, servants, SONS and DAUGHTERS were all taken from him. I get angry when I lose my keys!! Can you imagine losing everything the way Job did? Just suddenly. Bam. It's all gone. How would you handle it???

Job lost all that he had... except his faith. He didn't understand WHY these terrible things were happening to him, but he never doubted God's control over his situation. His response in verse 21 is astounding under the circumstances, "Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." When his own body became tortured with boils and his wife and friends told him to "curse God and die," still Job held on to his faith.

"Praise His Name"

By Jeff and Sheri Easter

When you're up against the wall,
And your mountain seems so tall,
And you realize life's not always fair,
You can run away and hide, let the old man decide
Or you can change your circumstances with a prayer.

When everything falls apart, praise His name

When you have a broken heart, raise your hands and say,
"Lord you're all I need. Your everything to me." And He'll take the pain away.
When it seems you're all alone, praise His name When you feel you can't go on,
raise your hands and say, "Greater is He that is within Me."
And you can praise the hurt away, if you'll just praise His name.
Oh you can overcome by the blood of the Lamb
and by the word of your testimony
You'll see the darkness go as your faith begins to grow
You're not alone so how can you be lonely?

Things have been a little rough for me lately, but I just keep reminding myself that God is always in control. No matter how bad things seem to be, He will never fail me. I'm learning to be content in all circumstances, and I'll let you in on a little secret - it feels great!! Even when things are falling apart around me, trusting 100% that God has me in the palm of his hand makes every day a good day. I am blessed beyond measure even on my worst days.